Places

Dodie Smith’s I Capture the Castle begins with the wonderful declaration, “I write to you from the kitchen sink.” Unfortunately, I only write to you from a very crowded backseat in a very crowded car. Someday I’ll find myself a big old kitchen sink, and climb in.

Really, there are lots of places from which I’d love to write you. There are those of the kitchen sink variety, places I suppose any imaginative person could think of: a window seat, a fireside, a roof full of chimneys, a balcony, an attic. Then there are the places particular to me: the freshly clean breezeway at my grandparents’ house that has Charity and me bursting with pride, the old cemetery across the highway, or the dam at the top of the lake, home to Poopsie’s Greatest Achievement and the world’s most delicious breezes.

Finally, there are the dream places, the places which, as of yet, I only love in fantasy. First there is New England. I’ve never been farther north than New York, so a little back sector of my mind is determined to walk cobblestones in Boston. I’ve been to almost every other part of my country, I suppose because New England is not on the way to anywhere (except perhaps Prince Edward Island—now, that’s a place to write from!) and most of the states I’ve been through have been on the way to family and holiday. But if New England is on the way to itself, then I suppose it must be worth seeing. Right, Liesel?

Next is Hay-on-Wye in Wales, the town with the most used bookstores in the world. I think my very first banner on this blog was a picture of the bookshelves which line the streets: Hardbacks, 50 pence and Paperbacks, 30 pence. In other words, heaven. Then, of course, I’ve just finished Wuthering Heights, and it’s such a wonderfully novelish novel. Though I was really quite pleased to see Catherine and Heathcliff fall dead, it made me want to wander the moors, stand in the wind, have my hair properly wuthered, and above all, write.  There is also Venice. Since reading Cornelia Funke’s The Thief Lord early in high school, I airily disregard all complaints of its stench and dirt, and instead concentrate staunchly on gold lions, arched bridges, and meeting my dear friend Scipio. Actually, my mother told me if I got a full ride to college she would take me, but obviously that didn’t work out. Sorry, Mom. Someday.

The place which trumps all, though, is mine. I am currently in the throes of a mild-to-severe case of house fever. I look them up online and plan paint, and built-in bookshelves, and secret passageways. It must be big and old and storied. It must have wood floors and stairs that creak. It must have its own peculiar smell (but not too peculiar.) Eventually, it must have the perfect bathroom. Round and domed with a huge, claw-foot tub and sunny windows high in the walls. There will be a fireplace and a big, wide towel rack, and piles and piles of books. (I suppose there’ll be a toilet and sink, too, behind a screen somewhere.) Oh, and probably a daybed and lots of large, ticking clocks. And perhaps a chandelier. That’s my bathroom. A Room of My Own.  A room from which to write you.

Story

It is nine-thirty on Monday evening, I have just finished reading the first two chapters of To Kill a Mockingbird to my cousin Charity, and I am wide awake, while she is fast asleep. I guess my southern drawl is soporific. Obviously she wasn’t very engaged in Harper Lee, but I’m so glad to have picked it up.

You see, I really want to write this summer—a real story—something with a climax, plot complications, and the sort of happy ending a reader can curl up and fall asleep in. The books I had been trying to make myself read, while worth my time, weren’t doing much for the creative juices. Bleak House, anyone? I cannot possibly write with Dickens on the brain. I can read with animation, I can hate Mrs. Jellyby with a holy passion, I can weep when Jenny’s baby dies, but when I sit down afterwards, I cannot think of a blasted thing to write. I do not have that scope. Instead, over the last couple of weeks I have drawn up the entire imaginary family tree of a clan called the Hardisons—sixty-one members and six generations worth. There are a good number of extra-marital affairs and shady business dealings involved, and I have the bad habit of marrying off third cousins to one another, but it has been great fun. I have worked out everyone’s birth and death date, and maiden name, all of which are neatly outlined in the 150 year timeline taped above my bed. And yet, there is no story screaming to be written. I have simply been joined by sixty-one vaguely interesting little writing companions. And we all lie there in bed late at night with little to say for ourselves.

In any case, while I could never be Dickens, there is a smidgen of hope for Alice as Harper Lee. I do not mean either that I grew up in place like Maycomb, Alabama in the thirties, which I didn’t, or that I could write something as wonderful and successful as To Kill a Mockingbird, which I couldn’t. I simply mean that Atticus Finch? I know him. I could reach out and shake his dry, warm hand, and honestly declare that I was pleased to meet him. The trick of writing characters, at least for me, is that I cannot write the people I actually know, but I must actually know the people I write. (If that makes any sense.)I must know them, at times, better than I know myself.  Yet, before I really know someone, I must see them doing—I must see them performing the action of being themselves. I know Atticus because I have seen him remove his glasses to shoot a mad dog, and remove his jacket to defend an innocent man. Which brings me back to where I begun. I must have happenings and doings; I must have story. I must have eucatastrophe and dyscatastrophe. I must have that which makes the ladies reach for their smelling salts and the gentlemen for their guns.

My little battalion of sixty-one, or perhaps soldiers from an entirely different quarter, must rise, sail onto the page, stake their claim and defend their territory. Go West, young man into the distant regions of the memory and the subconscious, drag the rivers, mine the gold, rake the muck, but return not empty handed! (Please. I really want to write a story.)

How Things Are

I am home. Back at school, I mean–the other home. I am in three lit classes this semester, which is a heaven built of anthologies, and yesterday Sarah and I rearranged our room to resemble something livable. I keep getting distracted from typing because I have to stop and stare at our acres of floor space and cozy-corner-that-would-hold-a-chair-if-we-had-room-for-one. The time to visit me is now. Especially if you like snow–honey, we got it!

There’s another thing about which I’m really quite exhilarated: I’m writing a story. And I think this one’s going to be a novel, or at least it seems gargantuan in my head, and to plan it I’ll need a whole wall of chalkboard which I don’t have. I also need a bunch of Vogues and a pretty detailed cross-section of St. Paul’s Cathedral. To be honest, I probably also need some books about London because the three days I spent there when I was fourteen crying on the Tube and staring at crown jewels aren’t much to draw from. I’m planning on making some nice Wordsworthian allusions and rekindling my love for dollhouses. I’ll see. We’ll see. But please be excited for me.

There’s something else. Not really something else, actually, more the reason for it all. God is pursuing me. I don’t have any specific stories to tell or any great revelations to share (at least not yet). But I can testify that, as my dear Hannah would say, “God is so, so cool, you know? He really is.” He is doing something spectacular. He is making my little stubborn-as-heck heart want Him. I really, really want Him. I have never been able to say that with complete honesty before. I’ve wanted what he has to offer–I’ve wanted forgiveness, I’ve wanted redemption, I’ve desperately wanted to be clean, but I’ve never wanted Christ. And now I do. I mean, not all the time, only occasionally, but I am beginning to have some inkling of what people mean when they pray to have “a heart for Christ.” I can’t remember ever having asked for it in that way, but He is giving and giving and giving. I am beginning to be able to worship my Lord both for what He did for me and who He is. He has been that “still, small voice” recently, and even there, especially there, He is breathtaking.

So, how are things? Well, not that I was in anything like a bad place before, but things are looking up. And so am I.

Grove City

I’ve been talking a great deal about being thankful lately, but something odd happened this week–the day before Thanksgiving, in fact. I was at a bonfire with my erstwhile classmates, talking college. They would ask me how Grove City was and I’d say “Great! I love it!” which was perfectly true, but then I’d go on to elaborate, and somehow everything that came out of my mouth was negative. I was spewing more criticism about my school than I had even thought, and I’m the type of kid who thinks a lot. I kind of think I sent everyone home with the impression that Grove City is awful, and I am a whiner. The former is not true in the least, but the latter, well, yes.

So, here’s my attempt at a remedy: a cute little countdown list of the top eight things I do not just like but actually love at Grove City. It is both a counting of my blessings and an impudent assertion that whatever junk I happened to be babbling the other night, my school is still better than yours. Here we go…

8: All the dumb little things. Sherri’s omelettes, having the warmest room on the hall, not having to take one’s ID out of one’s wallet to swipe it, and a ridiculously large number of dances.

7:The campus. If you have not seen this place, you should come visit me, if only to stand in the middle of the quad after dark and get lost in Harbison’s stained glass. Really. Even the boys’ dorms are pretty, and who bothers with that?

6: Grace Anglican. I still am happily coming to terms with the fact that I can worship with the same literature that I study in Brit Lit. Also, actually kneeling is a good way to begin to learn humility.

5:The HUMA core. Don’t laugh at me, dear fellow Grovers, but everytime I think about the point of this whole Humanities core, it give me hope for…well, everything.  Go ahead, willingly stuff your mind with all the things you should know, but didn’t really care to learn…until they were learned and you were suddenly smart and thankful. Hurrah for cultural literacy and a love of everything good!

4: Found Ed. It’s really history and philosophy of education, and oh, how I love it. It is giving me all these brilliant and radical ideas about how to glorify God better with our minds…so if you happen to care about that, I have some books to lend you. If you disagree, I might even argue with you. It’s becoming that important to me.

3: Warriors. There is nothing I need more on a Thursday night than to throw my hands in the air and sing, “Praise Jesus!” And that’s exactly what I get to do for an hour in a dark chapel crowded with hundreds of other people doing the same thing. I’m usually pretty needy by nine on a Thursday.

2: Dr. Brown. There. I said it. And on the world wide web, too. I sort of hate that I can work my tail off on a paper, and have no idea whether I’ll even get a B, but mostly I love it. I’m being challenged, and let’s face it–that’s new. Oh, how I am learning–the woman knows her business. And she makes lovely scones.

1: The Family Pantry. That was inevitable. You should have seen it coming. The reason I will always love Caldwell is because of the people, and Grove City is no different. The girls on this hall are worth far more to me than any education I will ever recieve. I could never leave because I would have a FamPan-shaped hole and they’d have an Alice-shaped hole, and really, I ask you, how could we be expected to cope with that? We couldn’t–so here I am, and here I stay.

Also, Grove might be home. For brief, disconnected moments, you know…

Changing my Mind

Within the next month I have two term papers due. For Brit Lit, I was going to write about George Herbert for my daddy, because I like him, and for Civilization I was going to write about characterization in the medieval mystery plays. It was all decided, then I put away the ideas and forgot about them. But now warm, compact things have been happening which are forcing me to learn one of those wuthering life lessons college so eagerly shares. I am learning how to change my mind.

It all began several weeks ago when Dr. Brown was teaching the mystery plays. She was talking about the role of guilds in the plays’ production and performance and that was when this sort of hazy glow began. At first, I couldn’t really tell where it was coming from. It certainly wasn’t the powerpoint, and I didn’t think it was Dr. Brown herself. Maybe it was her words. Yes, that was it, they were  shimmering visibly in the blank semi-circle at the front of the room, busily building a medieval village out of their own translucent gold letters. I watched the mussed organization of the little whoville take shape. Clattering bright wagons, laborious heirloom costumes, then the strange timbre of one voice projected loud over a silent, crowded street. “…the piece was then judged by the guild, and if they approved it, he became a master, a member of the guild. Therefore we have master…piece…” And that was when the singing started. I knew exactly where it was coming from this time. A soft, angelic cooing, right from the center of my chest. The village in front of me picked up the pace. The master masons (masters of pieces!) ran round behind their wagon half in and out of costume, clutching treasured bits of script and calling to their overwrought apprentices to “Make haste!” There was a smell in the air as if everything had just been dragged out of the attic, and every villager was taking short, arid breaths, and thinking colorful, interested thoughts. I felt a whelming sense of scarlet and brown belonging. It was magic. I wanted in.

So, I basically had to change that particular thesis. I had already had my original, boring topic approved, but how could I write about characterization, for goodness sakes, when there was a bustling village inside my head? So I came up with a very correct, and secretly exhilarating thesis, spent quite a while emailing back and forth with Dr. Dupree. And…then it was approved. And I rejoiced.

The paper for Dr. Brown is tremendous. It is not long in reality, but it casts a huge shadow. I’m not frightened. I love all papers without exception, but everything about it must be beyond my highest standards, and that includes the topic. As for Herbert, who I had planned to write on, well, he is dear, but there is someone else. He is a comfortable cousin, whose company and wisdom I appreciate,  but John Donne is my lover. If you have ever read any Donne, you will consider that a highly appropriate image. “We can die by it, if not live by love,/And if unfit for tombs and hearse/Our legend be, it will be fit for verse;” I realize he is quite dead, and wrote every poem for a woman other than I, but such separations mean nothing. “Love, all alike, no season knows, nor clime, / No hours, days, months, which are the rags of time.” You laugh, but “For God’s sake hold your tongue, and let me love,”  “For love all love of other sight controls,/And makes one little room an everywhere.” Humph. So there. And I haven’t even mentioned “To His Mistress Going To Bed”. In comparison, George Herbert is “Most poor:” and “Most thin.”  “He is a crazy brittle glass,” “A broken altar,” who merely “did sit and eat.” I cannot “love both fair and brown.”

Of course, I am being quite silly, and it has been fun, but be assured, I am really not throwing Herbert out with the bathwater. I promise. It’s just that Donne has found his way into my eternal soul and made himself comfortable there, or at least his words have. “Wilt thou forgive that sin which I did shun/A year or two, but wallowed in a score?/When thou hast done, thou hast not done,/For I have more.” I am not a poet, and these are words I could never write, but, at the same time, they seem to have been born of the most secret, quiet part of my being. “Batter my heart, three-personed God…/Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,/ Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.” That is almost worthy of ink and needle and permanence on my skin.

Herbert is home and dinner and small, palmable books. He is “a ragged noise and mirth,” and “a box where sweets compacted lie.” But…I got a ninety-five on the Donne quiz today. He and I are meant to be. The two are brothers, though, in a sense. My two metaphysical darlings…I will write about them both, mayhaps. I do know I have changed my mind, (or rather Donne has, or God,) but I’m not sure what to. We’ll see. Dr. Brown will tell me what’s best. I’m flexible.

The Beginning

I am sitting in my room, writing my first blog entry and feeling cold. This is  not the first time this has happened this week–maybe this one will actually get posted. I’m strangely nervous about the whole scenario. I mean, I wanted to start a blog. I set it up one day on a whim, when I should have been doing homework, but now I’m having funny little doubts, which is odd. I usually make sudden decisions, then cling to them stubbornly–good or bad. Maybe it’s because I miss paper– a lot. Or maybe because I feel like I have to update it regularly. I don’t know. But anyway, Hi. I’m still Alice, and I’m still writing, but I’m entirely out of my comfort zone. Weird, huh?

The purpose of this blog (I think) is so I can write and so the people who like to read what I write can do so without my saying, “Hey…so I wrote this…wanna read it?” I need this outlet. Writing helps me think, and though I am very comfortable at college, I don’t have all the long conversations like I did at home to marshal my thoughts. It is a lovely autumn here, I had a blueberry muffin for brunch, and there is a scattering of people whom I like very much, and who like me back. But still. I’m lonely. Here I am in this Christian community, but as terrible as it sounds, so what? I’ve had that all my life.

So I am scared, and I am starting this blog in good faith. Good faith that posting on it will soon feel natural, good faith that people will read it, good faith that I will have something worthwhile to say, good faith that God will grow me, and good faith that Dr. Brown will bully my writing into something unbelievable. I’m starting this in good faith that I will put down roots wherever I go and be able to feel as if they’ve been there for always.