Pew, Fitwell, and Other Finishings

I have come to the end times of my freshman year of college. Which is really not that big of a deal. At all. But, you know, I thought I’d talk about it anyway.

On Monday evening I had my last cello recital of all time. All year, you see, The Pew Fine Arts Center and I have had a rather tense relationship. In fact, I’ve gotten into the bad habit of referring to it as “Eeeeew…Peeeeeew.” (Because it rhymes, and I happen to think that’s funny.) I started college last fall rather naively thinking that since I’ve played cello for most of my coherent life, it would be natural to just keep on. I dropped out of orchestra after one rehearsal and was only kept from dropping lessons by my loyal parents. The thing is, the music majors scare me. Everyday, particularly last semester, I would march myself down to the practice rooms in the bowels of Pew where there is no cellphone reception, and no one will hear you scream, but everyone will hear you play. Even on the nastiest winter days, I always went the long way round outside so that I wouldn’t be walking through the lounge where they sprawl wretchedly across couches, complaining about practice hours and solfeggio, as if they are the only ones who really work. On my way down the nonsensical flights of stairs I usually stopped at the bathroom to give myself a little pep talk in the mirror, and I’m not really joking. I actually did that. After practicing Bach in a tiny grey room with a heavy door the color of raw meat for what was always a shorter time than I intended, I would play the one thing I still felt proud of–Amazing Grace, doublestops, fortissimo, eyes closed like a doofus. Then I would pack up and sneak out the way I had come.

The thing is, you may have the wrong impression of me about this, but I’m not musical. I can sing on key and play the cello, and I like doing so in most situations, but ask me what artists I listen to, and I will tell you the truth: none. I like words, and when it is not the time for words, I like silence. Deep down, notes and chords and harmony don’t mean that much to me. I’m not saying they are not as eternally significant (or insignificant) as any thing I read or write, just  that they are not the language I speak. Pew is not my place. I will be perfectly thrilled to go to class in the Hall of Arts and Letters for the rest of my college career.

That said, I am thankful to have parents ( a mother in particular) who were dedicated to my cello even, and especially, when I wasn’t. I’m thankful for the year of lessons I took here, and for my nice new bow that makes a pretty sound. During the week between Easter break and my recital I didn’t go over to Pew at all. I practiced in my room. I worked on memorizing my Bach, played hymns, and enjoyed the friendly, wide-eyed heads that poked themselves around my door. That was great. So on Monday night my nervousness was really pretty inexplicable. The only people who would hear me were my teacher who had heard me earlier and knew I could do it, Heidi who would love me anyway, and a couple dozen nice people who actually didn’t care at all how I sounded. Yet when I sat down on that stage with the rest of the kids playing Bach’s first suite, I put my cello to my chest and I could feel my heart thumping against it. Definitely not a resting heart rate. As I listened to the movements before me, the thumping got exponentially louder and faster. When my turn came, I put my trembling bow to the string, and the first note quavered audibly as I played it. The second note shook too, and the third, and so, to be honest did every note after that. It was a somewhat ridiculous performance. By the end of the suite (several movements and performers later) my shaking lessened somewhat, and by the time we got to the ensemble pieces I was able to zip through Cripple Creek and smile. As Heidi and I walked out, I cried about five tears from giddy relief. The only sign of me left in Pew is a big empty cello locker with my name misspelled on a piece of masking tape.

The other part of my life which officially terminated this week was Fitwell. Really, how was it that I ended up at one of the fittest colleges in the nation, where your physical condition affects your GPA? We have half a semester of lectures then another semester and half of “labs” (circuit training, mech weights, aerobic conditioning…) Then there’s a “Fitness Appraisal.” Aren’t you pumped just hearing about it? For girls, we’re scored on sit-ups, push-ups, flexed arm hang, broad jump, sit-and-reach, and (wait for it….) the step test! I improved since last semester, which was my goal, but of course I still only scored about a fifty percent. However, I don’t feel too bad, because the standards they use are the same as the U.S. Marines’. I’m finished, I never have to wear a grey P.E. uniform again, and the rite of passage is over. I’ve officially done my time as a Grover freshman.

Two more things before I go study for my next exam–As my sister pointed out, I can now rejoice in the fact that I’m officially half of a United States Marine. Also, one morning as I was plodding up the stairs out of Pew after a dismal practice session, a music major hurried past me, and as he disappeared down the hallway in front of me, I could hear him whistling Amazing Grace, louder than even I had played it. Just remembering brings me an overwhelming sense of victory.

April

Yesterday was Junior Crimson day, and so in the morning there were approximately 25 tours following each other all over campus. Therefore, Laura and Liesel and I strolled strategically past loudly saying nice and/or odd things about our school and occasionally skipping. We even helped some people find the book store. In other news, I just finished a paper on Gerard Manley Hopkins–“In a flash, at a trumpet crash, / I am all at once what Christ is, ‘ since he was what I am, and / This Jack, joke, poor potsherd, ‘ patch, matchwood, immortal diamond, / Is immortal diamond.” Marvelous stuff. And I’m beginning one on The History of Rasselas and The Doll House and another on 2nd Corinthians. Then maybe one for Renaissance Lit, but hey, who knows? Dr. Harvey doesn’t.

 It has been a hard week in some ways. I am drained. A couple nights ago I was talking on the phone to this friend who’s wonderful and she said that she was tired of being the bigger person. She wanted to just lose it and scream. I know what she means. I’m tired of being adult. I want to go home, and have somebody other than myself get me out of bed in the morning and make sure I eat my vegetables. I want other people to drive me to houses where I can listen to everyone else talk then go home and go to bed early. I want to pour myself a glass of milk from the fridge without worrying about how fast I’m using it up. I want to cry so hard that I hiccup when I talk, and not need an excuse. Two weeks seems like a long time to wait for those luxuries.

But. This morning I went to the chapel to read 2nd Corinthians, and here is what I found:

1: 5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.

1:12 For our boasting is this: the testimony of our conscience that we conducted ourselves in the world in simplicity and godly sincerity, not with fleshly wisdom but by the grace of God, and more abundantly toward you.

2:15 For we are to God the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing.

3:11 For if what is passing away was glorious, what remains is much more glorious.

3:18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.

4:5 For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord, and ourselves your bondservants for Jesus’ sake.

4:7-18 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So then death is working in us, but life in you. And since we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I believed and therefore I spoke,” we also believe and therefore speak, knowing that He who raised up the Lord Jesus will also raise us up with Jesus, and will present us with you. For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

5:4 For we who are in this tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that mortality may be swallowed up by life.

5:14-15 For the love of Christ compels us, because we judge thus: that if One died for all, then all died;  and He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again.

5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

5:18-21 Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Now then, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us: we implore you on Christ’s behalf, be reconciled to God. For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.

12:9-10 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I’m tempted to think that I went overboard with posting all that, but I’m pretty sure you can’t have too much of the truth, so it stays. It is spring, weather.com is totally lying when it says it’s 36 degrees outside, and He will continue to give me grace in abundance. Hallelujah.

Weather and The Woman Question

Today is the first day of spring, and here at Grove City we believe that. We really, really believe that. On Thursday I wore shorts (!!!) and Liesel and Jackie and I took obligatory pictures with the statue of J Howard Pew. On Friday, I wore a dress, had Renaissance Lit in the (dry) fountain in the courtyard, and received an ecstatic voicemail from Laura saying we needed to take a walk. So we did. Barefoot. We love sun here. Anytime it is out, the boys take off their shirts for their frisbee games, and the girls sunbathe in the inner quad. It is essential to absorb every drop through every pore, and save for a rainy day. Really.

And now for something completely different. The fact is, though Grove City has been wonderful for me in many ways, I have one particular weakness which it continues to  exacerbate. That is, as curious as it may sound, my womanhood. Suffice to say, the other day I read Genesis 3:16 with painfully open eyes. “To the woman He said:   ‘I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception;  In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband,  And he shall rule over you.'” That curse explains a lot of things. Not to you, the reader, probably, but to me, as me. In any case there are a lot of things wrong with me. As I’ve said to a few friends recently, I’m pretty screwed up.

Here is what I don’t want: I don’t want to believe that filling the culture’s expectations, and being bright and cute and well-dressed and size two is enough, or even worth anything.  I also don’t want to buy into the image being peddled by much of the Christian community. Last week there was a “women only” chapel on campus about balancing career and family. I didn’t go myself, but now I wish I had, so I could form my own opinion. There was an editorial about it in The Collegian, and this woman, Candice Watters, is quoted as saying “just settle–settle down with the first godly man you meet who wants to have babies with you.” My friend Laura told me she also mocked women who go to graduate school as only doing so because they don’t have a ring on their finger, and advised everyone to give hope of a guy who’s a ten, and just settle for an eight. Her point was obvious: Stay barefoot and in the kitchen–anything else is compensation for your failure to catch a man. I cannot express how angry this makes me. This is absolutely  the last thing Grove City girls need to hear. We already have ring by spring, engagement posters galore, and an unhealthy obsession with babies. Our babies. The ones that won’t be born for years. It’s frightening if I think about it. “Your desire shall be for your husband, and [that desire] shall rule over you.”

I want none of that. None. But I don’t know what it is I do want. I want to know God’s current purpose for my femininity. I read Proverbs 31 the other day, and all I got out of it was that that lady was super busy. I can’t dye cloth, I don’t have money to buy land, and I certainly don’t have children to call me blessed. I’m just not at that place in my life yet. What does radical, countercultural womanhood look like for an eighteen-year-old lover of dresses and books and nutella? (When I google it, all I find are blogs that want me to buy books that bash physical beauty, then give you no solutions.) How can I love others not only as myself, but as a woman? How can I love Jesus as a woman? He made me a girl, now what does He want me to do with it? In the Bible, godly women were either saving their people or, in the case of Ruth, finding a husband! Again, not what I’m being called to right now. (Besides, I think Ruth was the exception–in most cases he finds you.) In any case, I don’t know where to look for answers. What did God intend when he created women? Our role is to support men, but there must be more to it than that. In Perelandra, Ransom tells the King and Queen, “I have never before seen a man or a woman. I have lived all my life among shadows and broken images.”

I am at a loss.  All I know is that my version of womanhood is wrong and desperately needs redemption. The Deceiver has twisted and marred God’s creation till we cease to recognize ourselves. Yet there is a promise in Romans 16:20, “The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet.” Pray for me. Pray for answers. I don’t know where to turn.

Grace

I have had a harder week than usual. I had a baffling poetry journal due Friday, along with several other big assignments, it snowed again, and on Thursday, in aerobic conditioning, we did kickboxing. (I know there are many people in my life who would probably pay to see me kickbox, and actually, watching myself in that big mirror really was quite entertaining. But tickets aren’t yet for sale. Probably never will be, actually.) I am tired and I am needy, but this week, I have been given grace. My friend Heidi has been sending out prayer requests for specific girls each day, and Thursday was my day. I was so very blessed to know that so many people who love me were praying for me at once. God heard their prayers, and gave me the grace to live and blog again.

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about the nature of the grace extended to us in Christ. There was an “insuperable barrier,” and that, of course, was the law. 1 Timothy 1:8-11 says, “But we know that the law is good if one uses it lawfully,  knowing this: that the law is not made for a righteous person, but for the lawless and insubordinate, for the ungodly and for sinners, for the unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, for fornicators, for sodomites, for kidnappers, for liars, for perjurers, and if there is any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine, according to the glorious gospel of the blessed God which was committed to my trust.” That is me: lawless, insubordinate, contrary. That is all of us.

Here is my favorite part: When God, “according to His glorious gospel” wanted to save us, He did not give us the power to obey the law He had made for us. He did not make us capable. He said, “As long as the law exists, you will not be able to perfectly fulfill it. But I will fulfill it for you. WATCH ME.” God didn’t just give us rest, He gave us himself, the Prince of Peace. He didn’t just give us strength, He gave us Himself, the God of all might. He didn’t just give us  the power to love, He gave us Himself, and He is Love.

When we take the Lord’s supper it is symbolic of the truth that He is our bread and our wine, the sustenance of our soul, mind, and  body. In John 6:57 Jesus declares “As the living Father sent Me, and I live because of the Father, so he who feeds on Me will live because of Me.” This is what Gerard Manley Hopkins meant when he said we must “glean our saviour.” He is the only source of life. Without Him we fade and crumble. Every particle of our energy must be had from Christ. God loves you and I enough that He gave us, not a gift or even many gifts, but the Source of all good and perfect gifts. 1 John 4:10 says “In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.”

This means something else, though. We are to be “little Christs,” and “imitators of God.” What do we do? What do we give Him? Ourselves. God did not give us power, because He did not want the fruits of our labor. He gave us Himself, because He wanted us, and nothing less.

Confession

I’ve been wanting to write this for weeks, but, in many ways, it’s a really good thing that I haven’t gotten around to it till now. A while back (it was a Thursday, if you were curious) a group of students organized an event at Grove City called “less.” There were vague posters up all over campus about finding freedom, and how a chapel credit was offered, so Crawford was quite full. Familiar faces, even a few whose names I knew, went up on stage and shared what even I consider to be hugely personal–struggles with sin that most of us cannot imagine speaking  into a dark room full of a thousand faceless classmates. These were things which you just don’t talk about at Grove City. Just like we don’t make eye contact, we don’t use a microphone and an auditorium to discuss masturbation, suicidal depression, and addiction to pornography. As awful as it is, we want those things kept miserably behind closed doors, where they will fester and grow. I know there was plenty of uncomfortable squirming, and muffled gasping in the audience that night. All we really wanted was a chapel credit. But we needed to hear this. Sometimes here I think everyone feels like you ought to say that we are all sinners, but not actually be one yourself. It is good to crush that lie. The thing which struck me the most though, was the boldness of these people. I cannot imagine confessing such secrets, not only to the people you already know, and those you will never meet, but to that kid you’ll sit next to in class next semester who may not remember your name, but will remember your greatest weakness.

I think I know where this bravery comes from, though. When I went to this event I was in the middle of reading Lewis’s The Great Divorce, in which those damned to hell are bussed to the outskirts of heaven, met by the spirits of people they knew on earth, and given the chance to stay. None of them do. They are too proud, too insistent on their own way, unwilling to let go of themselves and become Christ’s, adamant that they will not take the “bleeding charity.” Except for one man. He comes to the outskirts of heaven with a lizard on his shoulder which whispers in his ear. The lizard is lust, and the man is afraid to be without him. He knows that if he lets the shining spirit incinerate the lizard it will hurt. It will hurt, in many ways, worse than hell. Finally he agrees, and is knocked to the ground by divine force. But then…that’s it. He is free. He is in Christ, and he is at last himself. The dead body of the lizard has turned into a magnificent stallion, on which he rides up the mountain of heaven. I think that is what each of my fellow students meant when they said, “In Christ, I have found freedom.” Their sin, to which they were once enslaved, has become what it was originally intended to be. All evil is perversion of good. In fact, I think the precise thing you most struggle with is a warped version of what God originally intended, and still does intend, to be your greatest strength, if only you will give yourself up to him. Lust becomes passion, depression compassion, self-love love for one’s neighbor, and pride worship.

But why is it that the people up on that stage, and the man with the lizard all seem to have the shocking, icky, socially unspeakable sins? And they are the ones who get it? They are the prostitutes and the tax collectors–they are the blessed who are constantly confronted with their depravity and crave freedom. Then there’s the rest of us–me in particular. If I had gotten up on that stage, I wouldn’t have needed such bravery. No one would have gasped at my sins. They would have yawned. My sins are creeping, almost invisible at times. I could say them out loud all day long (and I have), and people will just say, “Oh aren’t we all?” or “You’ll grow out of it honey.” But that is dangerous. Confession is important–even when it’s so easy that it almost seems worthless. So here I go.

I am vain–self-obsessed. I am proud. I think I am smarter, prettier, more wonderful and huggable than everyone else. I don’t want them to know I think like that. But I do. Constantly. It’s an epidemic. It’s a sin. It’s a master. I am lazy. I am selfish. I am without question the most ridiculously stubborn person I know. Pay attention to the modifier there: I’m stubborn about the most ridiculous things. I hold onto bitterness like crazy. If you ask me to do something that’s out of my comfort zone, no amount of begging or peer pressure will change my mind. And I take pride in that! I take pride in cowardice! I have this mindset that I only do the things I’ve always done. I’ve put myself in a box, and tried to keep God in it with me. Well, let me tell you: He won’t stay! But neither will he take me out if I’m unwilling. I have manic attachment to who I think I’ve created myself to be. I’m so proud of her. It’s sick. Revolting in a way that nothing said on that stage few weeks ago could ever be.

So this is my beginning. It is not the first and it will not be the last. I want freedom, but I need someone to pry open my fists which still cling to the silly girl who loves her name, her clothes, her family, her life, but so rarely her God. Only Christ is strong enough. He died, He rose, He will set me free. He will.

How Things Are

I am home. Back at school, I mean–the other home. I am in three lit classes this semester, which is a heaven built of anthologies, and yesterday Sarah and I rearranged our room to resemble something livable. I keep getting distracted from typing because I have to stop and stare at our acres of floor space and cozy-corner-that-would-hold-a-chair-if-we-had-room-for-one. The time to visit me is now. Especially if you like snow–honey, we got it!

There’s another thing about which I’m really quite exhilarated: I’m writing a story. And I think this one’s going to be a novel, or at least it seems gargantuan in my head, and to plan it I’ll need a whole wall of chalkboard which I don’t have. I also need a bunch of Vogues and a pretty detailed cross-section of St. Paul’s Cathedral. To be honest, I probably also need some books about London because the three days I spent there when I was fourteen crying on the Tube and staring at crown jewels aren’t much to draw from. I’m planning on making some nice Wordsworthian allusions and rekindling my love for dollhouses. I’ll see. We’ll see. But please be excited for me.

There’s something else. Not really something else, actually, more the reason for it all. God is pursuing me. I don’t have any specific stories to tell or any great revelations to share (at least not yet). But I can testify that, as my dear Hannah would say, “God is so, so cool, you know? He really is.” He is doing something spectacular. He is making my little stubborn-as-heck heart want Him. I really, really want Him. I have never been able to say that with complete honesty before. I’ve wanted what he has to offer–I’ve wanted forgiveness, I’ve wanted redemption, I’ve desperately wanted to be clean, but I’ve never wanted Christ. And now I do. I mean, not all the time, only occasionally, but I am beginning to have some inkling of what people mean when they pray to have “a heart for Christ.” I can’t remember ever having asked for it in that way, but He is giving and giving and giving. I am beginning to be able to worship my Lord both for what He did for me and who He is. He has been that “still, small voice” recently, and even there, especially there, He is breathtaking.

So, how are things? Well, not that I was in anything like a bad place before, but things are looking up. And so am I.

The End of Education

I promised more on education, and look, here is comes–finally! What follows is a book review I wrote for my Foundations of Education class on Neil Postman’s The End of Education. It contains alot of my opinions on the subject, some time in the next month, before I forget everything I learned, (!!!) I will post a nice long discussion of my dear friend, John Taylor Gatto, and the conspiracies he’s convinced me of. Anyway, enjoy…

In the epilogue to his book The End of Education, Neil Postman points out that despite the semi-apocalyptic title, “I offer this book in good faith, if not as much confidence as one would wish. My faith is that school will endure since no one has invented a better way to introduce the young to the world of learning; that the public school will endure since no one has invented a better way to create a public; and that childhood will survive because without it we must lose our sense of what it means to be an adult.” In other words, though through much of the book he sets forth various possible reforms, many of them radical and a few admittedly near impossible, his primary purpose is to give hope. He wants to hear no more whining guff about the failure of the school system; he simply wants people to be willing to back up to the beginning and try again. He wants them to re-evaluate not how, when, where, and by whom their children are educated, but why. If one chooses the right purpose for education, he points out optimistically, the rest will follow in due course.

Postman was educated at the famous Teacher’s College of Columbia University and now chairs the Department of Culture and Communication at New York University. He once taught as both an elementary and secondary school teacher and has published about twenty books on the subject of education. If there is a man who has thought long and hard about America’s school system, it is he. He begins The End of Education with his grounding philosophy that school must be based upon something bigger than itself to be of any worth.  American schools must have what he calls “a god,” a thing to serve, and by which to be served—an ultimate idea strong enough to bear the weight of millions. “Without a narrative, life has no meaning. Without meaning, learning has no purpose. Without a purpose, schools are houses of detention, not attention.” And so Postman, seeing urgency in his search, plunges in to find which gods fail and which gods “will serve.”

His gods that fail seem obvious as such to any real thinker. We have seen communism, Nazism, and fascism fail in awful and grandiose ways throughout history. A market economy is far too hollow a god to accomplish anything but greed, yet this lord called “Economic Utility” is one to which we very often find our school system offering its first fruits. There is the god of consumership which Charles Schulz so clearly preaches against in “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” and the god of technology is another one whose power the school system leans upon far too often, usually with a high degree of self-righteousness. Postman seems to be skimming over all of these simply as a sort of precaution against those of his readers who have not yet learned to think and feel simultaneously. For who could truly look at a child and knowingly proclaim that his master for the next twelve years (and probably for all eternity) ought to be one of the above?

Postman therefore spends the rest of his book describing “gods that may serve.” He has five separate proposals of what could be done to make school an institution worthy of its emphasis. Many of his ideas are hugely refreshing. He sketches pictures of five different futures in which America’s students are lively thinkers and in which the classroom is only the beginning of so many great things.

In his defense of “Spaceship Earth,” Postman tells a fable of a city at risk which solves its problems by turning its students into happy, capable community workers. “This made many people unhappy, for many reasons, but most of all because no one could tell the dumb children from the smart children anymore.” What a pleasantly snarky retort to those who care more about a child’s brain than the child himself. Under the lordship of “The Fallen Angel” Postman suggests that a teacher would stand in front of his class on his first day and say, “I am going to make you all members of Accuracy in Academia. Your task is to make sure that none of my errors goes by unnoticed. At the beginning of each class, I will, in fact, ask you to reveal whatever errors I made in the previous session. You must, of course say why these are errors…” etc. Subsequently, with hard work, America’s students would learn to differentiate between bosh and worthwhile knowledge. They would forever be evaluating and re-evaluating even what they themselves had always assumed.

On it goes: good idea after good idea. Under the god of “The American Experiment” students would learn what our nation was originally meant to stand for, and under “The Law of Diversity” by studying a great cross-section of culture they would learn the inherent value of all humanity. Postman even argues that the god of “Word Weavers/World Makers” would cause students to love words in such a way that the things they say would be worth hearing. Each new revelatory idea is worthy of a standing ovation.

And yet, it is not enough. It is not nearly enough. It is as if Postman has started off jubilantly in the right direction and then stopped halfway to the real destination to turn around and call back, “Look how far I came! Isn’t it fantastic?” He speaks of community, but what about love? He sings the praises of good solid facts, but does not mention truth itself. Honor and Freedom are worthy of celebration, but where do they come from? Why is all of humanity worth loving despite differences? Please, Dr. Postman, tell exactly what worthwhile things one can say with careful words. He has let the book end at the climax of his argument. He gives the reader no proper conclusion of what the world ought to be. His suggestions are only “gods that may serve” and truthfully, none of them do, because none of them are worth serving in return. Each promises that answers exist, but could not tell what they are.

Maybe they lie with Socrates’ truth, goodness and beauty, or Cicero’s good man? Ought there to be a god of virtue or a god of ethos? Those are closer and better than Postman’s attempts, but not yet far and good enough.  Throughout history, what narratives have inspired a good education? Gentility, nobility and ego are some of the best answers, but one cannot take them seriously here and now in America. Let there be no more nonsense about “gods.” Are not all these things mere pale, faulty imitations of the God? For hundreds of years, the most learned men lived quietly in cloisters, viewing their education not as a way to serve themselves, but as a way to serve their Lord. If one is to worship a “narrative,” let it be one of rebellious humans and the ultimate sacrifice made to redeem them. If  America is to educate her children well, then go ahead, pull out all the stops and give them the best there is. Why would one hold it back?

Of course, this is not practical. If there are to be public schools, which it seems there must, teachers cannot preach the gospel outright. Yet, there is no reason it cannot be the gloriously subversive driving force, the “god” that is actually God. Postman is dreaming big; not a single one of his ideas is likely to come into effect. Actually a single one of his ideas is not worth the effort. As impossible as it seems, America’s schools must have all of them: a strong community, a passion for accuracy, patriotism, diversity in curriculum, and careful stewardship of words.  Within each of these must reside a whisper of love and truth. Each must simply point farther down the road to the ultimate “Why?” The student who has come to love learning will venture there himself, on his own time, and behind the huge pulsating interrogative, he will find the true answer waiting for him as it, or He, has been all his life. That is the true end and purpose of education.

A Haphazard Winter Tears Christmas Entry

This morning I woke up to go to my eight-o-clock and looked outside to find that it was snowing heavy and windy. Tramping through dry, slippery winter without a hat sounded unappealing, as did Civilization class, so I stayed in bed. Already you and my day have been properly introduced. Isn’t she lovely? At nine I went to Brit Lit where I blinked my way through “Gray’s Elegy” and Christopher Smart’s cat. As I was walking out, Dr. Brown stopped me, and said that I’d seemed so tired lately, was taking fewer notes, and did not seem to be concentrating very well. Was I getting enough sleep? I said I was just ready for the semester to be over. Then I hurried away and tears sprung from some hitherto unknown reservoir of weariness.

I called my mother just to ask about a novel and she heard my panic. I did my French homework, and began to calm down. I walked over to the SAC to pick up a package from home. On the outside was written in sharpie “Dear Alice, Don’t cry in the mailroom. Mom.” I was startled. How had she known? It wasn’t as if she’d sent the package in the last twenty minutes, and all of this fatigue had only hit me today. As I walked back to MEP I wondered, was there something inside so touching, so personal…? That wasn’t like my mommy. Then I remembered something she’d mentioned several days before. She was only joking, saying that now I wouldn’t feel left out while all my friends were opening their big fat care package ordered by their parents for a campus fundraiser. Of course. She did not expect tears and melodrama, she expected laughter and good sense. That was the mother I knew and loved.

This afternoon I sat in the lobby with friends, and just happened to look up my house on google maps. Then I looked up my grandparents’ house,  then Karen’s, then Caldwell… I gave myself a virtual tour of home. In fact, I even tried to drive home from school using street view, but the going was a little slow. So I just switched back to my house and stood in the middle of Scott Avenue, spinning in circles, watching the summer leaves shading my front porch race by again and again. It was almost as good as the real thing. Well, not almost. Just sort of.

As everyone else is beginning their Christmas season, we here at Grove City are entering our stress season. I already have friends studying behind locked doors, and I myself am contemplating who exactly would be a good jailer for my computer. Maybe Katie? Anyhow, true to form, I’m not worried about exams, but I hate them just as much as everyone else. They haven’t begun yet, though… On Saturday night I went to a lovely Christmas party with lots of families. There were about seven different kinds of soup for supper. Then we went caroling and had a gingerbread house competition. I wished I was nine years old again, sliding around in sock feet with a sparkly Christmas sweater and my hair falling into excited, sweaty wisps about my face.

Then last night were the candlelight services at the chapel which are famous, and rightly so. Lots of people from the community come, touring choir sings, the Christmas story is recited, and then everyone lights their candle and Harbison Chapel’s sanctity seems to be consummated yet again as the organ swells and we all sing Silent Night. At “Christ, the Saviour is born; Christ, the Saviour is born” as everyone lifted their candles in solemn unison, and Liesel and I snorted back laughter, I forgot my constant wish that Christmas would arrive faster. Why wish for something you already have?

So to summarize this jumbled entry: Don’t cry in the mailroom, Alice, because in eight days you will be on a plane zooming toward the dear sister you haven’t seen since August, your tall baby brother, your parents, and assorted cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Also, go ahead, be nine years old with pink cheeks and a sugar high, for “Christ, the Saviour is born!” Happy Christmas, goober. Study hard.

December

All day fat snow has been falling–the kind that frosts my coat, clogs my eyelashes and makes me feel quite Puckish. This afternoon, friends and I are walking to Salvation Army to buy sweaters and flannel and Christmas presents. There is absolutely nothing I would rather be doing this particular Friday than tramping through northeast-midwest snow in a hat and red peacoat with the FamPan.

When I woke up on the first of December to see the world white-washed, I groaned. “A great, suffocating blanket of ugh has descended,” I told myself, “not to rise again for months on end.” But I put on a sweater-dress and marched out to face it. Then came a peacoat in the mail. And boots out of my closet. And finally Christmas wormed into my soul, (“Well, in Whoville they say the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day!”) and, also, the flakes gained weight. Really, who can resist a pudgy snowflake? It’s even more adorable than  pudgy baby! Dozens of them nestle in hair, looking for all the world like Titania’s Cobweb and Moth. When I open my mouth to speak, they wander right in tasting of Christmas and glitter. I catch them, and they melt, but while they last they look ever so cuddly. How could George Bailey have jumped off a bridge on a snowy night?

To me, until I tire of it, this snow is useless, glorious manna inspiring my most dire creativity. I will skip my way to Salvo, and buy the biggest sweaters, the brightest flannel, and the most devilishly perfect presents. If only this particular snowfall will keep up I, myself, may demand to carve the roast beast.

Grove City

I’ve been talking a great deal about being thankful lately, but something odd happened this week–the day before Thanksgiving, in fact. I was at a bonfire with my erstwhile classmates, talking college. They would ask me how Grove City was and I’d say “Great! I love it!” which was perfectly true, but then I’d go on to elaborate, and somehow everything that came out of my mouth was negative. I was spewing more criticism about my school than I had even thought, and I’m the type of kid who thinks a lot. I kind of think I sent everyone home with the impression that Grove City is awful, and I am a whiner. The former is not true in the least, but the latter, well, yes.

So, here’s my attempt at a remedy: a cute little countdown list of the top eight things I do not just like but actually love at Grove City. It is both a counting of my blessings and an impudent assertion that whatever junk I happened to be babbling the other night, my school is still better than yours. Here we go…

8: All the dumb little things. Sherri’s omelettes, having the warmest room on the hall, not having to take one’s ID out of one’s wallet to swipe it, and a ridiculously large number of dances.

7:The campus. If you have not seen this place, you should come visit me, if only to stand in the middle of the quad after dark and get lost in Harbison’s stained glass. Really. Even the boys’ dorms are pretty, and who bothers with that?

6: Grace Anglican. I still am happily coming to terms with the fact that I can worship with the same literature that I study in Brit Lit. Also, actually kneeling is a good way to begin to learn humility.

5:The HUMA core. Don’t laugh at me, dear fellow Grovers, but everytime I think about the point of this whole Humanities core, it give me hope for…well, everything.  Go ahead, willingly stuff your mind with all the things you should know, but didn’t really care to learn…until they were learned and you were suddenly smart and thankful. Hurrah for cultural literacy and a love of everything good!

4: Found Ed. It’s really history and philosophy of education, and oh, how I love it. It is giving me all these brilliant and radical ideas about how to glorify God better with our minds…so if you happen to care about that, I have some books to lend you. If you disagree, I might even argue with you. It’s becoming that important to me.

3: Warriors. There is nothing I need more on a Thursday night than to throw my hands in the air and sing, “Praise Jesus!” And that’s exactly what I get to do for an hour in a dark chapel crowded with hundreds of other people doing the same thing. I’m usually pretty needy by nine on a Thursday.

2: Dr. Brown. There. I said it. And on the world wide web, too. I sort of hate that I can work my tail off on a paper, and have no idea whether I’ll even get a B, but mostly I love it. I’m being challenged, and let’s face it–that’s new. Oh, how I am learning–the woman knows her business. And she makes lovely scones.

1: The Family Pantry. That was inevitable. You should have seen it coming. The reason I will always love Caldwell is because of the people, and Grove City is no different. The girls on this hall are worth far more to me than any education I will ever recieve. I could never leave because I would have a FamPan-shaped hole and they’d have an Alice-shaped hole, and really, I ask you, how could we be expected to cope with that? We couldn’t–so here I am, and here I stay.

Also, Grove might be home. For brief, disconnected moments, you know…